Where Do We Go From Here?
by ashes to ashes dust to dust
Summary: “Do you remember, we used to be really close to Jimmy,” he whispered to me as a tear carelessly fell down my cheek. I nodded as I took in a deep breath. “Jimmy’s been shot, Ash, where do we go from here?”
1. I Fall to Pieces

**Where Do We Go From Here?**

My hair blew in the wind as carelessly as I lit the match to the pages I had just written in an absolute fury.

I was upset, angry, and mad. I couldn't understand what was happening at Degrassi, or how Jimmy, someone I had once loved a long time ago, was hurt. I kept recalling the events in my head. Hazel had been taken out of the room, and came back only with tears, "Jimmy's been shot," she said as she retreated to a corner with Paige, who held her closely, trying to hush the poor girl's tears away. I remember my heart sinking the lowest it had ever been. I regretted a lot of things then, about how I never tried to be friends with Jimmy after our final break up, or how I had ruined it in the first place, when I had carelessly taken ecstasy at a party. It was as if I wanted to revert back to my 'Goth' days when I first heard the news, however, when I was called up from the room to talk to my stepbrother, Toby, I knew I had to be strong, and not hide behind a shield of thick eyeliner. When I reached Toby, he was crying.

My mouth barely could escape his name, "Toby?" and I was certain my voice sounded weak, but with compassion. I had never felt much love for my younger step brother before. I actually had always resented him, and never really said anything to him in the hallway in school or at the dinner table. He was crying, this was the first time I saw him as someone other than the computer geek who happened to be my step dad's son. He was very unstable; it reminded me a lot of how I was after Jimmy broke up with me because of my ecstasy episode. His face was in his hands, and he was up against a wall in the room. The school's therapist, Emma, and Sean were all together along with Mr. Simpson discussing what they were feeling. They smiled at me and motioned for me to join them, but I found myself drifting towards my step brother. No words were exchanged as both of our grieving faces met – I was upset about Jimmy, and I'm pretty sure Toby blamed himself for everything because that's how I'd feel if I was in his year younger shoes. Maybe he was stronger than I expected, because he was the one who stood up, and hugged me. "Do you remember, we used to be really close to Jimmy," he whispered to me as a tear carelessly fell down my cheek. I nodded as I took in a deep breath. "Jimmy's been shot, Ash, where do we go from here?"

I remember when I first took Jimmy home to meet my newfound step brother. It was the summer before I was student body president, when I was going to be a proud and awesome eighth grader. Jimmy and I proudly walked up towards my new step brother, hand in hand, and I said in a bold tone, "Yeah, this is the one that came with the marriage." Toby was mad, but he played it cool, as he looked at Jimmy. Now Jimmy was an only sibling, much like me, and so Jimmy was happy to be dating a girl with a younger brother now. He gave the little pipsqueak a high five, and spent a lot of the day outside, hanging out with Toby showing him how to hit a basket from the three point line. He also gave Toby lessons on how to be suave with girls. When Jimmy broke up with me, Toby was the most devastated. He was mad at both of us for sure. He was mad at me because I was the idiot who took ecstasy, and he was mad at Jimmy for leaving him behind. He always wanted to get Jimmy's admiration back.

That's why he offered to hack into the computer and raise Jimmy's grades so he could stay on the Varsity basketball team, even though he knew he'd get caught. He was hoping Jimmy would remember how they used to be buddies, and were almost like brothers at one point in their young lives. That's what he told me when I asked why he would do such a stupid thing.

He must been really excited when Jimmy had to join the quiz team because of Heather Sinclair's mono episode. It was a chance to reconnect with Jimmy and make a valuable friend. Toby wasn't necessarily very popular, and was losing whatever friends he had just because he was being nice to Rick.

"Ash? Are you going to reply? You've been crying for a while," Toby said. I looked at him. I couldn't find my voice. Everything I had been through at Degrassi, how Craig cheated on me, how I had battled over my episode with ecstasy, it meant nothing right now. I still wasn't as strong as my brother right now. He was the one managing to talk, and he had seen things – not me. "Are we going to visit Jimmy?"

I had to reconnect with reality, and get the courage to speak up. Toby needed me, even if it appeared that I needed him more, "Toby, we'll see him… Is mom coming soon?" I knew they had called mom. Why wouldn't they call her after an episode like this? I'm sure they were calling every parent, but my step brother was in the middle of all of this drama, and he took precedence.

Toby nodded his head while a few tears went down his cheek. "Yeah, she's coming anytime soon to pick us up," we were very quiet in our corner of the room as the school's therapist came up towards us, giving a warm comforting hug.

"It's good you have each other right now. But I'm sorry Toby… could I talk to Ashley for a moment?" I watched my step brother's reaction. He nodded rather reluctantly, and pulled away. He went to sit near a computer away from everybody else and took off his glasses. He was trying to rub his tears away. The therapist gave a warm smile to me, "Ashley, I'm to understand that you and Jimmy previously dated," I nodded my head to what she said. "Was Toby close to him while you dated?"

My mouth finally found the courage to speak up, even though it was a whisper, "We were all close to him as a family," I began to explain. I kept looking at Toby to be brave. "Toby saw Jimmy as a brother."

The therapist nodded, all she seemed to do was analyze our situation, "I suppose so. That's what he's most upset about. Not the fact that he witnessed Rick's death." I got snappy at that line.

"Well, of course, Rick was a monster, a psychopath, he didn't deserve to come back after what he did to Terry," somehow my heart felt bad that I didn't get this upset about Terry's accident with Rick. The thing is that Jimmy could lose his life right now.

"Of course, but death is a hard thing to witness," the therapist interjected my thoughts about how I was more mad right now than I had ever been in my life. I had to get over several bombshells before, too. When my dad told me he was gay, I was mad then. When Sean first showed me the ecstasy tablet, I was mad then, too. I have a tendency, however, to do stupid things when I'm mad.

I was snappy when I said, "Hey, can I go back to my brother now? He needs me." She nodded and walked away. I walked up towards Toby. I felt more like a mom than ever. He was playing with his thumbs while I grabbed his hands and cupped them around my own. "Toby, we'll get through this," I nodded before beginning to cry as we hugged and embraced.

I was gladder than anything when my mom came to pick us up and take us home. I walked out hand in hand with my step brother and mother. We were all terribly concerned. "I can't believe it, about Jimmy," she shook her head. "He was always so sweet," my mother was a lot like me. We tried not to wear our heart on our sleeve, so I had never really seen her cry before. I guess this experience taught me several things about my family I had no clue really existed. There were camera people all over us, and especially in Toby's face. It got me angry. And like I've said before, I do stupid things when I'm angry.

"Look, could you get off our cases. We just experience a huge bombshell in our life. Get away from Toby," I nearly smacked down one of the reporters. They stayed away from us after that, although, my anger was in the evening news. It was justifiable in my opinion.

**Author Notes**

Well, this is my first fan fiction piece in a long time. This isn't going to follow what happens in the Degrassi series from here on out, and I'm still debating if Ashley should always be the narrator. I hope you guys enjoyed the story and look forward to the next chapter. As always, reviews are appreciated, especially since I have none at this new account! If you leave a question, I'll try my best to reply to it in the Author note's or personally e-mail you or something.

If you didn't like this and have valid criticism, please leave it here. I like reading constructive reviews. Scratch that, I love reading reviews that aren't sugar coated.


	2. These Words Are My Diary Screaming Out L...

**Where Do We Go From Here? **

**Chapter 2; These Words Are My Diary Screaming Out Loud**

Toby seemed to be the most brave when we walked into Jimmy's hospital room almost two weeks after he had been shot in the back by Rick. Jimmy had been conscious for a good five days now. They had moved him out of intensive care to a private room in the hospital. He could wake up and talk easily now, or at least, that's what mom had said. Mom went to go see Jimmy the first day he could talk. Mrs. Brooks had been a close friend of my mother's since college. Jimmy's mother had a hard time walking away from the office even in the wake of tragedy, so my mother was doing all she could do to help out Jimmy, which meant she visited him nearly every day.

I had heard a rumor at school that Hazel had been so shocked the first day she saw Jimmy in the hospital that she decided to never step foot in the hospital again. She wouldn't talk about Jimmy. I'm sure it was the wires and the pain that made her feel so scared and helpless. When I visited Terry that one time with Paige and Spinner, I freaked out because I saw that she was stronger than me. She had to be. She was enduring pain when I could barely wake up and go to school. Somehow it had a deep affect on my mind, and I remember walking away crying. I had no doubt in my mind that had happened to Hazel, so I was shocked to see her in Jimmy's hospital room.

"Hazel?" My mouth escaped her name, as she got up from the chair next to Jimmy's bed, and walked out. She didn't look me in the eye, or say Hi. She seemed upset about something. I'm sure it wasn't Jimmy's condition. My mom said that the doctor had said that Jimmy's condition was miraculous, and I knew Jimmy was a miracle all to himself. He was one of those tough guys, ever since I had known him. I had a feeling no gun shot would ever destroy him. He wasn't destroyed by our first break up unlike me. In fact, he was more destroyed by the fact that I was stupid enough to take ecstasy than anything. Jimmy was as soul who cared about the people around him the most. I had a feeling it came from the fact that his parents were never home. He learned that you had to show people you cared for them in that way. In fact, when Terry was first hurt, I remember her telling me that Jimmy said he'd protect her. That's why Degrassi was so stunned by Rick shooting Jimmy. Jimmy was supposed to be the guy to the rescue, not the one who needed rescuing.

Jimmy noticed me first. "Ashley?" He seemed shock to see me, but truth be told, I hadn't said much of anything to him since ninth grade. I bet I seemed like the last person to come and visit him. He then noticed Toby, too. "Wow, Toby?" He looked at some flowers near his bed. There was a card in bold print that I could see from where I was standing. The card said: 'love, the Kerwins and Toby' I knew mom had sent it, and signed it herself. The neat handwriting was nothing near the scribbles of my stepbrother or the slanted mess that was my handwriting. I also knew it had to be all her because I was certain I didn't send any flowers to Jimmy. I had only considered it. Toby went up to Jimmy's bed side and gripped the rail next to him. I was left to sit in the chair. I gave Jimmy a smile. I felt tears welling in my eyes.

Toby said something first, "Jimmy… I'm so sorry," tears were in his eyes, too. Over the past two weeks, I had gotten to understand that my little step-brother thought that Rick's shooting everyone was his fault. He was friends with Rick, and helped convinced Emma to be nice to him. Sometimes at night, I could hear him pacing around, yelling, "It's all my fault!" I had never seen anyone with more guilt.

Jimmy gave a strong smile to Toby. "How's it going, short stuff?" Jimmy used to call Toby that all the time when we were going out. It brought a smile to my slightly tear stained face. "What about you, Ash? Did you turn this all into one big drama poem?" He never liked any of my poetry, or at least the ones that I wrote when I was severely depressed and gothic. I could still remember how he had made fun of my poem about Yolanda. I was really interested… How did Jimmy stay all smiles in a case like this?

"I wrote a song, but it's definitely better than what Yolanda would have realized." I nodded my head, while I giggled a bit. I hadn't let out giggles since the shooting, actually, probably since eighth grade. I grew up before ninth grade, and when I grew up, I'm pretty sure I lost my sense of humor. While I joked, Toby walked away.

"Ash. Jimmy. I got to get some air." I knew he didn't like hospitals. He was braver than me when it came to coming here, but all of the wires hooked up probably scared him. I felt sympathy for him, so I motioned towards him to go with him, so he wouldn't be alone. He shook his head. "I just need to walk, Ashley. I'll be fine." He walked out of the door. I looked at Jimmy.

"You two get along a lot better now." Jimmy commented. If one thing about the shooting was true, I got closer to my baby brother. We talked a lot at night. He'd talk about all these things I missed out on during the day. We'd end up talking about Jimmy, sometimes. We usually talked over homework. He would help me with math, and I'd help him with English. I nodded. "Ash," Jimmy looked out the window. For all the times me and Jimmy had talked after our second break up, it was not with eye contact. I was used to his eye's being focused on something else. "It's good you came."

I gave a warm smile, and then slipped a hand up to his. His hand was cold. "What was that about Hazel?" He shook his head. "You two broke up, didn't you?" He nodded. I could read Jimmy like a book if I needed to. My grip tightened a bit.

"Ash, why did you and Toby come here to visit me?" He asked. "I thought you two would be the last ones here. I was surprised when your mom said you two seemed so upset." He turned his head and looked at me. It sent shivers up my spine.

"We still care for you, Jimmy," he nodded while I spoke softly. My hands went up as I stood up, and stroked his hair. "Sure we've long not been a couple… and you ignored Toby for a while." I lost control of my voice. I was crying. I was lucky Jimmy was okay.

There's this part of me that thinks I never stopped loving him.

**Author Notes**

I guess I get got cliffhanger happy. I thought this was a good place to end. I'm really thankful for everyone who decided to review and give me their input. As always, reviews are appreciated.

This chapter was named after a line in Anna Nalick's song "Breath 2AM."


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